Birth story

I started losing my mucus plug at about 36 weeks bit by bit whenever I wiped after peeing. I didn't think too much of it as I know it can regenerate but I was happy my body seemed to be preparing for baby somehow.

I had a bloody show at 37w1d. I called my midwife team and they said that is was fine I didn't need to come in. I didn't need anti d or to come in be checked, she just advised me to keep an eye out on contractions or waters breaking. They were all suggestive it likely meant nothing and could be weeks until any labour happened.

Well... The next evening my waters broke. I had only just had my ELCS date given to me to be on 39w4s. I was worried that the scheduled date would be too late, as I was hearing people having it closer to bang on 39w to avoid the risk of going into labour. But everyone said I was silly for worrying about that as most FTM go closer to 41w before labour starts... Which was not the case for me.

I went to labour and delivery having constant gushes of water. Contractions started about 2 hours after my waters initially broke. I had steroid injections just in case baby girl needed help with her lungs at 37 weeks.

They were umming and erring about when to take me for the CS as doing it at night meant less staff and they also wanted to balance giving the steroid injection time to work. I wasn't making fast progress, so in the end it was a further 14 hours until I went in for my CS. It was quite traumatizing waiting that long not knowing when things would happen. I also hadn't expected to go through labour in any stage due to planning a CS so I did not have a plan to deal with the pain I was feeling.

Overall the CS surgery part was fine. The spinal tap part was the most painful part and it really felt like they were taking heir time to get it right. It felt like a very deep muscle pain and it was hard to not flinch via reflex. It took them a very long time to get it how they wanted it and they have you sit in an awkward hunched over position. I think mine took about 30 minutes in total until they were happy with it. The don't allow support people in with you whilst they put in the spinal tap - they can only come in after it is done - so I only had my midwife with me for support and she was fantastic.

During them tying to get the right placement I felt pins and needles in my leg and went to adjust it my legs position as I usual do when I get pins and needles. I got told off "DONT MOVE" and cue panic in me... Am I going to accidentally paralyze myself now? I start crying and having a panic attack, which obviously is hard to stay still during. My midwife was amazing and held my hands and let me squeeze her. She explained that pins and needles were good as the spinal tap was starting to work... (why couldn't I have been warned before i move and almost paralyze myself!)

Soon my lower body goes dead and its the most alarming feeling. I kept trying to test it to be sure that I would feel anything when they cut. So my brain would send signals to move my foot and it wouldn't. This made me panic its a feeling like I've never experienced. It made me feel so not in control. It was scary. But of course it was GOOD that I couldn't move as that way I wouldn't feel pain of the operation. Yet logic wasn't really getting in my mind at that point.

Next they put a cold spray down my side and I had to say whether I felt the cold or not. This is because the spinal tap numbs feeling of pain (which is similar to the feeling of cold) but not all sensations. So you can feel pressure etc but no pain. It's a very bizarre feeling. Once they were happy I was numbed from the waist down they began the operation.

Once she was delivered I knew something was wrong. They were supposed to drop the curtain and let me see her the first time as she was lifted out and my husband was supposed to be able to cut her cord.

That didn't happen. Instead alarm bells sounded which had me panicking. I asked my husband what was happening and he tried to white lie to calm me down saying it was just an ambulance we could overhear in the parking lot but I knew this wasn't the case. I could hear a team of people at the back mentioning the term "neonatal emergency" and calling for help. A bunch of people rushed in. I later learnt from her notes she was blue and floppy at birth and required rescue breathes. 

Eventually we heard a little cry. They were able to bring baby girl over to us to see but only for a moment before they whisked her away to the nicu. Before they took her away they said they saw a small hole in the roof of her mouth and that may be related to the cause. They also noted she has a little chin. 

I couldn't hold my baby despite carrying her for 9 months. It was awful. I didn't feel like I had a baby. It felt like she wasn't mine. It was so hard to be alone without my baby. 

Eventually the next day we found out that the "small hole" in her palate was actually very large of the soft and hard palate and her small chin was actually micrognathia. I started googling and found PRS online and thought that looked and sounded exactly like what our girl had... Obviously dr google shows worse case stories and horror stories so I panicked. It wasn't until the next day that our cleft team saw us and confirmed PRS. Because I had googled it the day before and saw all the worse case scenarios I just broke down at the confirmation she had that. It took a dew days to process and come to terms with everything. 

There was no indication of PRS on her scans. It was an extra shock as we had to have a second anatomy scan at 22 weeks purely for her lip and palate as she hid her face at the first one at 20 weeks and that looked clear! 

She was on CPAP for just over a day but was able to manage her own oxygen very quickly. She was out of the nicu incubator within a few days and in a standard cot as she could regulate her own temperature. So my little fighter did great. 

Overall, it's been such an adjustment and shock coming to terms with being nicu parents/having a child that will have a lot of extra medical care needs at least for the first year which we didn't expect. Imp also coming to terms with the trauma of her birth and the grief over not being able to experience breastfeeding with her. But despite that all I'm feeling blessed my little girl is here safely. My husband and I are so in love with her and so proud of all the progress she is making.

The nurses were able to bring her around to be delivery suite for me to hold her for 20 minutes. They had to bring a portable oxygen tank as she was still on CPAP at that point and she couldn't stay away from the NICU for too long. Holding her the first time was the most amazing feeling and it was so hard to let her go.

I was discharged 2 night post CS. I delivered my girl during COVID so technically partners were not supposed to be around after birth over night. However, the delivery staff at Colchester were amazing and accommodated us very well we stayed down in the delivery suites instead of the postnatal rooms as I didn't feel comfortable being around other parents who have their baby while I didn't have mine. This meant we had our own private room cubicle and they could wheel in an extra bed for my partner. I am so grateful to the delivery team at Colchester, I don't think I could have got through it without them and my partner.