To my dearest Roslyn,
My first father’s day is coming up and your mother thought it would be a good idea to share with you how my first six months with you have been. Let me tell you, it has been a ride!
Before you were born your mother and I had lost two pregnancies; in hindsight a blessing in disguise as we would likely never have had the wonder that is you in our lives. It was a long and bumpy ride to get to the point where we are now.
Lets begin by praising the stubbornness you have inherited from both sides of the family, but particularly from my father, I reckon. During your pregnancy photos you were a pain in the bum every single time! Rolling away from the camera, pulling in your legs. Right from the bat you made mum jump and dance to try and get a decent picture of you! Ironically, after you were born you’re the most photogenic baby I have ever seen!
You were “scheduled” to join us in the world on December 23rd 2021. If I remember correctly mum’s caesarean section was actually scheduled for the 20st, but I could be off a couple days. It was gonna cut it close regardless. Anyway, as you’re well aware of your birthday you had other plans. In the evening of Saturday December 4th, just as I was about to start and play a game with uncle Rob and Mark, I heard your mother shout from the bathroom; “Darling? I think.. My water broke”. Your mother was standing in the middle of the bathroom, her knickers down her ankles looking confused whether she was starting to go into labor, or whether she was uncontrollably weeing herself. Obviously, it was the former.
We called Grandpa Glen and went straight to the hospital. I’ll spare you the medical details, your mum is a lot better at telling those, but your mother was admitted to the maternity unit and it was obvious we were going to be parents soon! Mum was in quite a lot of pain and discomfort, and whilst I felt bad for her and did my best to soothe and comfort her, I was getting really excited to finally meet you.
5 December, 13:36 BST we got to see you for the first time. Very, very briefly. The doctors and nurses called an emergency as you were blue and floppy; you didn’t breathe by yourself yet. And even when you did start to breathe you struggled due to the conditions you had, which we didn't know you had. Whilst mum and I were slightly worried, the doctor brought you to us for us to hold you; in that moment all my worries were gone. I had my daughter, my darling dearest Roslyn, in my arms for the first time ever. And whatever fight you had ahead of you I knew I’d be fighting with you every step along the way!
You started breathing independently quickly. You started to stabilise. Whilst you laid in an incubator for a day or 2, very quickly you moved into the medium-care ward (as opposed to the intensive care ward) as you started doing so well so quickly. Every day you took more milk, every day you started breathing independently stronger and more stable. Every day you reaffirmed my positive outlook, and you showed me what a fighter you are.
We had to learn how to feed you via a nasogastric tube, and how to make and insert a nasal airway to make sure you wouldn’t suffer from apnea episodes as that could lead to you taking in reduced oxygen. We were told about many rules and regulations, and we couldn't take you home before we learned and mastered all this. In hindsight mum and I think the hospitals have made some silly choices, but you were in hospital for about 4 weeks (including Christmas and New Years Eve! But we were together as a family!). Every single day we visited you in Hospital. We were gutted that we couldn't have you home yet, but your safety was priority. But let me tell you, by the time we brought you home we were seasoned veteran parents. We did all kinds of nurse-stuff to keep you safe, and you were so amazing dealing with it all.
Come to think of it, despite everything you have been through so far you’re one of the happiest and cheerful babies I have ever seen! You really enjoy life and everything we do with you.
In all fairness, it has taken a while before we really got to know you. Being able to do nurse stuff doesn't mean we understand what you want and need. We didn't have a clue about keeping you asleep at night. In the first week there have been nights where I walked circles in our home (37 artillery street, Colchester) humming songs and whispering tunes to soothe you to sleep. You were not having it. You often fell asleep on my shoulder, but the moment I even considered putting you down in your bed you started crying hysterically again. I had no idea how to solve that; I just told myself that you needed to be held by me, wanting warmth and love now that we’re finally home. I’ll be honest, those were difficult nights. But worth going through every second!
I’ll be honest Rosie. I love you to bits, but new born babies are boring. Very, very boring. You eat, you sleep and you poop. That’s it. You don’t know how to smile, you don't respond to anything we do. I really struggled trying to bond with you during that time. It was lovely having you nap on me; skin on skin, share each others warmth. But I longed for even the smallest sign of you acknowledging me. Alas, a couple weeks like that passed and then it happened; I was giving you a bath and suddenly you smiled at me. My heart melted. I love your mother very much, but the love I felt and feel for you will never be beaten by anything else.
And from there on it got better and better; you started coo-ing in the most fantastic ways, you started laughing and giggling, you started responding to our sounds. We got to do stuff together now!
I’ve been taking you on walks through the park and I have been playing guitar for you. We’ve been doing quite some singing (well, I sing and you listen!). As much as possible I try to use sign language and its paying off; i think you’re are waving at people sometimes now!
You have favourite songs (Currently I think that would be the Ants go Marching), and your favourite food is Broccoli or buttered toast.
Everything you do makes me feel so immeasurably proud of you. And everything you do makes me love you more every day.
I’ll be honest, I have always been an on the fence kind of guy when it comes to having children. I always thought that I’d be fine either way. But being your father is the best thing I have ever done in life, and I will strive to be the darn best father there is for you for the rest of our lives. I’ll always be there for you my Rosie Roo x
Love,
Daddy
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